Word Association

On one of the last few bus rides Heather and I started a list of things that remind us of the ride. I started trying to put them into my journal. This is a monified version. I will add a little commentary to the list.

The songs I listened to on the way to schools to mentally prepare myself:

The Way I Are by Timbaland
Spottie Ottie Dopalicious by Outkast
Die Another Day by Madaonna

Others songs I associate with the ride:

Tik Tok by Ke$ha
Smiling Faces Sometimes by The Dramatics
Hey Jude and Let It Be from Across the Universe
Wild Horse I don't know the version we listened to
I Want to Know What Love is by Foreigner


Phrases we like to use:

Ruuuude!
Saw-reee! (Sorry)
Lama Y'all! (With the ASL sign for Lama raised high in the air)
Get Yo Ass
Trife/Trifflin'/Trife Ball
Fancy Pants/Fancy Bottoms
Jazzy/Jazzy Gem/Jazz Factory
The children are intersecting
Burning, Burning, Burning
Grown Ass Woman/Man/Person
Never in a million years did you imagine....?
Awkward with ASL sign
Decorum/Decorous
Filthis

Things I associate with school visits/:

Love the sinner hate the sin/I love you but....
Polo shirts
Vigils/Rallies

Stayed on Equality
Om Shanti
Go Now in Peace
Love love love, Christians this your call, to love your neighbor as yourself, for God loves all

Jam Packed Elevators
Difficult
Defending my humanity
PGP-Preferred Gender Pronouns
Culture of silence/fear
Exodus
Props/Debriefing/Caucuses
Clobber Passages
Spiritual Violence
Repent America


Community Stops/Affirming Places

Potlucks/Pasta/Pizza
Singing Stayed on Equality to thank people for meals
Safe Churches
Kind people
Community Service Projects
Panels/QPOC Panels
Open Mic Nite/Story Telling/Dancing/Poetry

Miscellaneous

Long Bus Rides/Dondi/Dondi's Music
Bus Roles
Post Cards
Hotels/Moving Every Few Days
No Personal Space
Buddy System
Rainbows
Love
Sign Language
Intersectionality
Subway/fast food
Where Justice Meets Faith
UU/UCC/MCC
Feelings, LOTS of Feelings!
Community Agreements
Stipend
Gender Neutral Bathrooms
Pecos
Plug and Socket
High Femme
Relentless
My life is a series of awkward moments
Faith
Big Queer Bus/Soulforce One

Speaking Truth

I have found two spoken word pieces that sum up the truths I tried to speak for the last two months more powerfully and beautifully then I ever could so I will just post them here.

This first one is by Staceann Chin.


The second one is Andrea Gibson.

Dare You to Move

I was sitting in the hot tub looking at the stars and listening to the radio. The song "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot came on. It got me thinking a lot about today and the last few months.

Today I ran into one of my Aunts while out with my parents. I was at a huge gluten free food fair. Hundreds of people swirled around the room getting samples of gluten free food as my Aunt asked me about what I had been up to. She started with, so you were like gone or something? I said something like yes, I was on the road for two months on a social justice tour traveling to different colleges and states. So what were your goals, the goals of Soulforce? Well, to get policies changed and create a safer place for students. So do you push the lifestyle? Is Soulforce in favor of the lifestyle or safety for students? Well, we work to make a space for students to be wholly themselves, a space where they do not face spiritual violence, a space where students don't have to chose between identity and faith. Oh. So you want people to see everyone is a child of God to be loved. Yes, that is very important. Yeah. Awkward stares. I mumble it's important and walk away.

I felt like a liar. Aunt Barb, I am queer-I wanted to say. I have a girlfriend-I wanted to say. I was so torn. I wanted to tell her. It tried to bust out of me but the room full of hundreds of strangers stopped me. The fear of her reaction stopped me.

All day I have been feeling like crap. For the last two months, I went from place to place saying, live authentically. Living inauthentic hurts you and others. The quest was not to get every queer person to come out, it was for equality, for safe spaces to learn, to let queer people know God loves them too but I encouraged people (when it was safe) to be authentic and come out. I couldn't do it for myself. For the last year I've wanted desperately to come out to my extended family. I hate being in the closet. It makes me hate a part of myself. I feel awkward and fake around them. I'm quiet and introverted. I don't know what to talk about. Most of my free time is filled with LGBTQ things. I'm on the Board of Directors for GLSEN (Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network). When I was in school most of my free time was spent doing activism on campus and off campus for LGBTQ equality. The last two months of my life were working for equality. I have a girlfriend who I love and spend hours talking to all the time.

I Dare You To Move. Welcome to the fall out. The tension is here, between who you and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. I dare you to move. Where can you run to escape from yourself? I dare you to move, to lift yourself, to lift yourself up the floor.

I think it's time to come out. I'd rather deal with other people's shit then the tension of who I am and who I could be if I wasn't hiding in the closet. If I wasn't wondering which family members would still love me. It's time to move, to be real and authentic. To liberate myself from my fear so others can do the same.

It's time to stop living in fear.

Epic Fail On Blogging The Advedture

Hey Ya'll,
Sorry I did so bad at updating this. The ride was crazy. It kept me far busier then I have ever dreamed. I have so much to process from this ride. It touched my life in profound ways. I learned about myself. I found my voice. I became less afraid. I saw christians show hate masked as love. I saw other Christians show love in ways that touched my soul and brought healing. I was shown love by non-Christians that was more Christ-like then I have seen from many who call themselves Christians. I experienced spiritual violence in a real and painful way. My heart broke for students who are queer going to the colleges as I feel the hate for LGBTQ people on campus. I felt hope because I met awesome allies who care enough to stand up for LGBTQ students at their school. I met fierce LGBTQ students coming out of the closet and finding their own voice. I developed friendships with the other Equality Riders that run deep, they now are family to me. My faith has changed, grown in leaps and bounds. It's hard to know where to begin when I'm at the end.

I am supposed to be looking for work so I'm going to keep this short but I'm sure I'll keep some post ride thoughts and ramblings.

Media Update

Hey Friends, below is the e-mail from Soulforce about the Equality Ride. I thought I'd share it here.


Climb on Board
Gearing up for the Ride!

Last week, an inspiring group of 21 young justice-seekers descended upon Austin, Texas, to train for a journey. They are this year’s Equality Riders, and they have just spent 8 days preparing for the work ahead of them.

Equality Ride Training a success!

The 2010 Equality Ride’s first training was successful by all measures! The week was jam-packed. The group participated in―and some chose to lead―workshops on everything from planning a direct action, systems of oppression, transgender identities, anti-racism and anti-racist organizing, scriptural analysis, stop-planning, nonviolence, disability and ableism, working with the media, and more.

They sharply brainstormed innovative ways to work with students, administrators, and community members towards sustainable, progressive, and significant change this spring and beyond.

Though the week was busy with learning, there was also time for Riders to build a cohesive and supportive group. Tight bonds were formed that will sustain them during their two months on the road.

The 2010 Team

Hailing from across the country, and one from Cyprus, the 2010 team brings a multitude of unique experiences and backgrounds, bound by a common desire to make campuses and communities safe, welcoming and affirming for people of all identities. You can meet the Riders here: www.soulforce.org/2010riders.

During training, the Riders signed up for their roles as stop-planners, each with the responsibility of coordinating one of the 17 locations on our itinerary. Back at home now, they are eagerly making preparations for the road ahead.

The Route

We are stopping at 16 campuses in the Northeast, South, and Midwest, all with policies that are discriminatory to LGBTQ students. Many of the schools, while recognizing that there are places where we do not agree, have extended their welcome to us. We are hopeful that this spring will offer many opportunities to share ourselves and our stories with students, faculty, and administrators. You can view the full route here.

We are placing a special focus on community work this year, and are hoping to engage not just with the campuses we visit, but with the communities they live in. This means partnering with communities in volunteer work, hosting activism/organizing forums, linking students with community members, and offering our support for the justice work that is already happening in the places we are visiting.

Help us Blaze a Trail for Justice

The Riders will have one more opportunity to train at the end of February, and will board the bus on March 4th. But they need your support! We would like to be greeted by affirming community members along the way. If you or a friend live in one of the areas along our route, and might be interested in volunteering with us, hosting an event, participating in a potluck, or anything else, please get in touch with the Rider coordinating that stop, or one of the Ride’s co-directors soon. Being in touch with supportive community members is vital to planning a successful Equality Ride stop!

Each Rider, in addition to planning their community and school stop for the Ride, is working really hard to meet their $3,500 fundraising goal. The Rider donations are a vital part of the overall funding for the Ride. If every Rider meets their goal, we’ll raise nearly half of the budget. Were it not for the generosity of Soulforce supporters in 2008, the Ride literally would not have happened. If you’d like to be a part of the 2010 Equality Ride as a sponsor, you can sponsor a Rider directly through their pages and help them make the Equality Ride a success this spring!

The story of my Faith

I remember back in first grade having devotions to start the day and accepting Jesus in my heart. I have a Christian family. Went to all Christian schools, even preschool. I went to church every Sunday with my family. I remember in 8th grade see my faith taking on a more personal meaning because I made decisions based on my faith. In high school I lead several well attended prayer groups, went to Young Life, went to Bible studies and led Bible studies, attended my church's youth group, volunteered at church events and so on. My faith through the years grew stronger and stronger.

My freshman year in college I battled a strong bout of depression. I really struggled with my faith that year, I could not shake my depression and I wondered where God was? I was hospitalized for my depression the day after spring break and through hard work I had some wonderful recovery. I had struggled with some major self-esteem issues and for the first time in probably 5 years and I heard and believed someone when they told me I was beautiful and had worth. Around this same time, God and I started doing a bit better again.

Sophomore year was another hard year for my faith. Unexpectedly, on February 6, 2005, my big "brother" Alan passed away. He had a heart that was too big and it stopped in the middle of a swim meet. He was young, only 34, years old. His death rocked my world. Although he was not my literal brother he was a part of my family. I was a mess. I was also angry at God.

Junior year I moved into the Calvin apartments. I got connected into a prayer group in my apartment building. It was amazing. My faith was growing strong again. I started worshiping at Vineyard North and my faith was growing so strong. I heard a speaker at a 24 hour prayer event and it changed my faith life drastically. I was praying everyday for an hour a day and reading my Bible everyday. I was on fire for God. Move me into my senior year (well, my first one) and this faith life continued. I was super involved with my church. Attended every week, went to retreats, worked in the nursery, attended a dynamic charismatic home group. This home group made up my best friends. Life with God was good.

Then that spring it was time for another big change. The Soulforce Equality Ride came to Calvin. I was so excited. I always thought of myself as an ally to gay people (ha and look, turns out I'm queer myself...bahaha) but I didn't didn't know how to vocalize it. I know after the Equality Ride stopped at my school that I could be vocal. So armed with enthusiasm, I wore a button to my next homegroup meeting. It had a rainbow on it and said hate free zone. A few funny comments were made but that was that, I didn't think it would change anything. But it did. I got one super nasty e-mail from one person about how I was the child of the devil and then I never heard from anyone else. No returned phone calls or e-mails from anyone. I was not kicked out from my church but the message was loud and clear. I was not welcome.

I kept my relationship with God but my relationship with church fell apart. I began questioning my sexuality at this same time. I had this realization that although God loved me, Christians would not. I didn't not want to go find a new church because I did not want to hide who I was. I also felt that if I was honest, I would not be welcomed. Christmas 2007 another traumatic life event happened. It shock my life in a way I cannot describe (nor do I want to online). This event destroyed my perception of safety. I to this day wonder where God was. I feel like ze left me when I needed hir the most. How could this God that "loves me" let this happen? I to this day feel betrayed by God. I feel abandoned by hir and I am angry. still.

I still feel angry and abandoned but something is stirring in me. Since this summer I have been on some kind of path towards healing with my higher power. I am trying to figure this out. I don't know what I believe anymore, I am an...agnostic for Jesus? I have so many questions about the Christian faith I'm trying to work out but maybe that'll be me again some day. I am really happy Soulforce is a faith based organization with Christian tendencies. I have been blessed by E-Riders who are Christians. I was blessed by the Bible training part. I feel like something with in me is pulling me to find a relationship with my Higher Power again. I hope that I can find out who God is to me again while on the ride.

I went to church today. I often don't go. I'm still afraid of the reactions I'll get from people if they know the real me, the queer me. I was at something a while ago at Church and a lady who had friended me on facebook a few weeks ealier, asked about my girlfriend. I thought, maybe I can come here. I went back today. My pastor said she's giving to my ride (you can too at www.soulforce.org/kimmy_devries) Maybe there is a space for me there too...

If you're into the praying thing, I'd love it if you pray that through all the negative messages I receive about how my God loves me, I hear 20 times that in posotive messages about God. I am worried that while on this trip I will lose the little faith I have left.

Love to you all,
Kimmy

Equality Ride Training

This summer I went to Soulforce Q Camp. I was selected to go so I could learn to do work within my community even better. My plans for the community work I was going to go has been delayed until further notice but the training did not go to waste. I learned so much at Q Camp. The camp's training focused on Racism and other forms of oppression. We also learned about non-violent activism, community planning, fund raising, and religious analysis. All this training will prove helpful for the Equality Ride.

Of course, the Equality Ride is providing training too. I got back this week from the first round of training. It was held January 5 - 13. Although I now feel slightly terrified about all that is to come, I also know this is what I am meant to be at this point in time. The Equality Ride Training was so many things to me.

The Equality Ride Training was people. I finally got to meet the people I'd be riding with face-to-face. My fellow Equality Riders are even better in person then on facebook or the soulforce blurbs could ever show them to be. (Check out the other riders at: www.soulforce.org/2010riders) I know that the people I'll be riding with are going to be friends that will be important and cherished for the rest of my life. I have already leaned so much from the other riders and the leaders. I cannot wait to see how I will grow and how we will grow together!

The Equality Ride Training was God and the Bible. Micah and Brian, two former Equality Riders came and taught "Bible bootcamp." The first day was so nice, we basically did a Bible study together for several hours. It was the first time in years that I remembered why I called myself a Christian for so many years. I am really excited that we will have bible studies on the ride. We also worked on preparing ourselves for questions that students will ask us about the Bible and being queer.

The Equality Ride Training was Anti-oppression. The queer movement has often been a racist and classist movement. Soulforce Q works to make sure that the work were doing benefits all people. We did readings on different forms of oppression, activities, lectures and discussions. I have been learning so much and I am realizing more and more that I have so much to learn. Also, all the learning I can do is never going to be the same as walking in the shoes of those being oppressed. I must continue to learn and work to end oppression for all.

The Equality Ride Training was an amazing start to journey only just begun.